Who's right?

I feel bombarded.  Some days I feel like I know who I am and what I stand for, but then I hear something that makes me second guess myself.  I think I’m a good person until someone comes and tells me that all of my good deeds and actions have been artificial.  That I have half-assed my way through my life and faith.  Who’s right?  Do I believe the one telling me that my actions have been insincere and full of ignorance? Or do I continue believing myself and stick to what I’ve been doing, to what I believe has been right?  I struggle because I know that sometimes I become blinded and don’t see the truth when it’s right in front of my face.  In those cases I rely on friends to slap me out of it by stating the hard facts and getting me to check back into reality.  They help get me thinking clearly so that I can make appropriate decisions.  But this time it wasn’t a friend telling me to take a good look at my actions, my life.  It was a higher authority figure.  A man admired and idolized by many. 

When do you listen to another, and when do you stick to your guns?  When do you stand up and say, “No.  I am right, and you are wrong,” when the other person is saying the exact same thing about their own viewpoint?

It’s an extremely tough issue because the media and society influences our beliefs.  Our upbringing, our schooling, our friends, and our faith (or lack thereof) have all shaped us into the person we are today.  The problems arise when one group’s ideas (our friends’), conflict with the ideas or teachings of another’s (our faith, or our parents’).  It’s not fair to say that one is right and one is wrong. It’s how you look at the situation or idea. 

I wonder if the media and our culture has caused us to become desensitized to certain ideas and beliefs within society.  Are we getting away with more than we used to; are our actions becoming more and more acceptable today than they were in the past? Cheating, lying, sex before marriage, and divorce are just a few from the long list of behaviors that stick out in my mind.  Have these become more of the norm in our society?  Are they acceptable?  Can we pick and choose what we believe if that is what will make us happy?

It’s too much for me.  I don’t know the answer.  I don’t know who to go to for answer, or if there even IS a correct answer!  I guess I’ll never really know. So, for now I’m going to stick with my guns.  

Disease

I cannot begin to describe the amount of disgust I have for disease. I’m sure anyone would say something along those lines about it.  The most frustrating part is that it has this insurmountable power over us.  No matter our education, how intelligent we are, or how advanced our technology becomes we still cannot overcome it.  It takes over, leaving us susceptible to its ill effects.  Disease takes on many forms and can strike at any age.  Cancer, AIDS, dementia, celiac disease, Lyme disease top the list, but we also struggle with our own personal diseases.  Insecurity, lack of confidence, loneliness, body image, fear, failure to love others, inability to love ourselves.  Which is worse, living with cancer or living a life of unhappiness and apprehension?  Hard to say.  That is for each individual to decide.

 We may not be able to cure all medically diagnosed diseases, but do we have the choice, resources, and/or ability to cure our own emotional insecurities?  

Perhaps.

Little Things

I was able to slip away for a few days this weekend to go home and visit my parents.   Now I’ll admit, weekends with my parents are not always the most stimulating, but this one was actually quite a whirlwind.  I found myself attending different functions with them every single day I was home.  I don’t get it.  Sometimes it seems as if they are busier now than they used to be with two kids living at home.  They occupy their time with benefit dinners, church functions, volunteering, and running random errands.  At times I wonder how they keep it all straight! 

But truth be told, I love spending time with my folks.  It’s different looking at them now as a college student.  Constantly living with them for 18 years never gave me the opportunity to miss or appreciate them for who they are as individuals.  Now that I am away from home I feel like I am able to cherish them in a different light, quirks and all.  I’m able to joke and talk with them more than I used to, and they are now the ones that I go to for advice on certain matters. Yes, I actually seek out their opinions instead of trying to dodge them!  Their wisdom and insight is not always clear to me, but I trust it because their advice has always gotten me ahead in the past. And while I hate to admit it, I know I act more and more like them every day.  Is that a good or bad thing?  Well, I’m not sure yet ;)

I received an unexpected phone call while I was home this particular weekend.  It happened to be my 8^th grade neighbor, who I babysat for numerous years.  She was quiet and very shy on the phone, but eventually got up the courage to ask me to go on a run with her.  I felt….well, admiration and anxiety all at the same time!  Anxiety because I had not gone running in a few months, and admiration because she exemplified a level of respect for me.  I never told her that I was a runner, so she must have seen me out in the past.  Anyway, our run was good, aside from my obnoxious huffing and inability to keep up with her.  She kept looking at me like I was a chain smoker.  That’s not true, I exaggerate….but I’m sure she was thinking it.

After what seemed like 6 miles, we completed our 2 mile run and as we were stretching her brother came out to join us.  He’s only six years old, but has a vocabulary like that of a fourth grader.  And on top of that, he’s the cutest little freckle-faced boy you’ve ever seen.  He came running toward me with a basketball in hand and asked if I would play with him for a bit.  Panting, I said, “Of course! I would love to play with you,” because who can turn down a face like that.  Even though I was out of breath and probably looked like a sweaty mess, he was all smiles and was just grateful that I was playing with him.  In between one of his shots he turned to me and asked, “Do you remember that one time when you had a campfire and invited us over? We ate s’mores and then your mom brought us popcorn, too.  That was so much fun.”  I just stood there for a second while he continued dribbling the ball.  I replied, “You know what, I DO remember that. And you’re right, it was fun.  We’ll have to do that again this summer.”  I really couldn’t believe that he had remembered that night.  It must have been at least 2 years ago that we had that campfire, and it’s a funny thing because we hadn’t even planned on inviting them over.  My brother and I had started a bonfire and, last minute, asked if the neighbor kids wanted to join us.  They were over maybe an hour.  We ate popcorn and s’mores, just like he had mentioned.  He remembered every detail of that night, and to us it seemed like no big deal.  But here, years later, that memory has stayed with him. 

Memories have a way of impacting us.  They are not always happy memories like that of my neighbor, but they still shape who we are. I can’t explain exactly what I felt that day while playing basketball, but it made me think about the small actions that we make every day.  How the simplest gesture can impact someone else immensely.  I hope that the small things I do for others impact them in a positive way.  Though I know that certain gestures I make have an opposite effect.  Sometimes our actions and behaviors are performed subconsciously, but, for me anyway, I find that I have to be mindful and make an effort.  However, if making a conscious effort results in bringing others anything closely related to the joy that my cute freckle-faced neighbor felt, then count me in. That feeling is worth more than money can buy.  

Journey

Unknown (adj.): Not understood, recognized, or identified; strange.

I love dictionary.com (What’s not to love about an electronic dictionary that saves you time and at least six inches on your bookshelf?  Not to mention the extra 20 pounds you’re saving yourself from carrying).  But it’s true.  I love dictionary.com.  It helps draw me closer to the meaning and understanding of text within books.  I love books, too, and trying to make sense of their contents, especially when they involve people in situations similar to my own. Anyway, I digress.

I can read and understand books, but I cannot say the same thing about my life.  I don’t think anyone can.  Not completely, anyway. We’re constantly striving for the meaning or purpose of why we were placed here.  Some days that understanding is clear to us, but most days we wander searching for the unknown.  “What makes me happy?  Where is my career taking me, and is it benefitting others?  Whom should I spend the rest of my life with while trying to figure all this out?” So many questions…and will we ever answer them with 100% certainty?  Maybe. Some of the answers to our questions will eventually become apparent and others may never be revealed to us, but it is during these times of questioning that we grow and find out who we really are.  Sometimes, if we’re lucky, one unanswered question may even help us discover the answer to an entirely different question.

 I just hate that life works that way sometimes.

We don’t always understand or recognize why things happen the way they do.  Maybe they happen for a reason, maybe they don’t.  Maybe we’re all on a journey with an unknown destination, never knowing if we have reached our desired location or not.  

But maybe that’s what makes life so beautiful.